#sorrynotsorry
I'm not going to apologize for this post.
Today marks two months since Liam passed away. It's still hard every day to wake up knowing that I don't get to hold my baby. I see success stories of other babies born at 23 weeks and I wonder if we made the right choice. Then I remember how uneasy Liam looked lying there in his little glass cage. Then I remember how his nurse, Andrea, said he looked so at peace snuggled up to me. I wanted peace for him and to know one hundred percent without a doubt that we loved him, even if it meant letting him go.
It's hard to know that if I were still pregnant, I'd be rapidly approaching my due date. It's hard to think that if Liam were still alive, he'd be approaching the possible "come home" date. It's hard to see baby posts so I'm just gonna tell you, I've hidden almost all of them.
I want to scream and yell that it's not fair that all the other moms get their babies and I don't get mine, preemie or not.
I have to remember that what happened wasn't God doing this TO us, but FOR us. He has His reasons for Liam's short life, even if we haven't figured them out yet.
It seemed like so many people "showed up" to support us when Liam was born and when he died, but now I'm lucky if most people ask how I'm REALLY doing. Yes, I have my close friends to talk with, but it is so surprising who just drops you out of their life because they can't handle your grief. I'm not saying it is anyone's responsibility but my own to work through my grief. I'm just saying it's surprising the people who won't talk to you because they don't know what to say. And I'm going to be honest, that's just another small hurt on my already tremendous one, even though I shouldn't let that hurt me.
On a slightly good note though, at my post partum doctor's appointment, my Ob said that what caused me to go into preterm labor with Liam should not be a factor should we try again. He said he will work with us to see me as much as I feel comfortable with and do progesterone treatments if that's something that will give us peace of mind about making it to full gestation. I'm so blessed for the friends I've made with the doctors and nurses through this process. It takes special people to work in ob and Nicu departments.
Death and grief are so hard to deal with. I've been a nurse for 21 years in the NICU and have learned to be more comfortable with it. I have heard from other Mothers who have lost children, that they want to tell people they lost their child, but they are not dead, they are still here and need friendship and companionship more than ever. That there is still a person outside of their grief. I don't presume to know what any of this feels like, but for most of us dealing with death and grief is uncomfortable, So speak your mind Lerinda and hopefully some will go beyond their comfort zone to greet you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement Erin. It's just devastating that people who were so supportive while Liam was alive, have basically vanished in the wind now. I guess I'm learning who will be there no matter what.
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