One Day Closer To You

I intially wrote this to be a Facebook status, but it got too long. I decided it should be a blog post instead. I haven't blogged in a long while.  Okay, so I haven't posted for a few days about pregnancy and infant loss awareness because it's very difficult this month, so I'm gonna speak to you from the heart. When I was pregnant a year ago with Liam, I was ecstatic. We had been trying for over a year and I had just given up hope of being pregnant again without fertility drugs. It had been so easy to get pregnant with sammy. We didn't really try. I knew nothing of the "prime time" to get pregnant in a cycle. I didn't know all the things you shouldn't eat or do.  With Liam, I charted. I took my temperature daily. I kept notes. I got mad when things came up during that "prime time" in the cycle and we weren't able to baby dance. (Sorry Danny, for getting mad about that.) And then, right when I told Danny that I wanted to make a doct

This is what 23 weeks of pregnancy and 23 days in the nicu looks like.  We received Liam's remains and his clothes today. I am a wreck all over again just when I was feeling like I could cope. His blanket has a blood stain. His remains are about the size of a half dollar.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever.

I'm going to be real with you for a moment. Having Liam shifted my perspective immensely. I try to no longer fuss about small stuff. Yes, from time to time, I fail on that because of my mood, but I try to keep my perspective. Having a preemie is not easy. It has, like everything else in life, pros and cons. Our son was tiny, but a miracle. We loved him, but it was stressful to love him. I say stressful because when you think of babies, you think about holding them to show that love. With a preemie, it could be days before you get to hold your baby. Or in some cases, weeks and months. You get my drift. It was agony not being able to be with either of my sons, one separated from us by miles and one separated from us by meres slivers of plexiglass.  Anyway, one of the cons of having a preemie baby is the money. It's much more expensive to take care of a baby who born before a gestation age that they can thrive without tubes and wires, medicines and intervention. I know, I&

So we live ten minutes from a beach. Which is both a blessing and a curse. It's on base, so usually there is less crowding if you go at the right time.  But as my title states, any day can be beach day. It was a bit sunny and kinda warm today if you count temps in the 50s as warm. (I'm looking at you Florida.) So I checked sammy out of school a tiny bit early and we went to the beach for some mental health. Those are my favorite trips.  We didn't stay long but we had fun and found a few Sharks' teeth. 

It's been a while since I blogged. I was doing so good too!  Anyway, recap of my life. Sammy stayed home from school last Friday with a sore throat. Still sick on Saturday and Sunday. Got to make a dress Sunday night. (Yay for accomplishing some of my new year's goals!) No school for the holiday Monday. Made pajamas for sammy Monday night. Field trip on Tuesday. Barnes & Noble! Wooooooo Church on Wednesday and now it's Thursday.  And thus another week was spent.  Now onto what I really want to say here. It's now much closer to what would have been Baby Day/Homegoing from Nicu. And it is emotionally exhausting to think about. I'm truly happy for the friends who were pregnant at the same time as me, but I am so sad for us.  I miss my baby. It's hard to look at pictures of him, so I don't. It's hard to think about not having him, so I focus my mental energies elsewhere, which is probably why you will see a lot of new things made this year. It's hard

Surprise from gram Being silly Sunday offering Nice braid.  Me likes  Older dresses. A comparison of style.

Today was honestly one of my better days in the aftermath that is loss and grief. You may get tired of me repeating how I feel or about my loss, but something as big as that is a defining moment in one's life and it can't be put away as easily as one may think.  Yes I have great days where I'm ultimately happy and I have not so great days where I'm unmotivated to do much of anything. On these days, I rest a lot. I stay home. I don't socialize with copious amounts of people, only those absolutely necessary or ones that I want to talk with.  Like I said, today was one of the better days. Danny had duty yesterday so sammy and I got to snuggle in bed all night long and we both woke up well rested and refreshed this morning. Sammy went to school and I had a day date with my friend Amanda.  We took off to hancock fabrics because naturally if I'm making a dress every month, I'm going to make holiday specifics ones sometimes. I've been yearning to make a Valenti

Today, schools were delayed by two hours due to inclement weather. It was supposed to be freezing rain from midnight last night until 11 this morning.  It didn't, thankfully. Sammy got to go to school and I got to get groceries by myself in peace. No husband wanting to look at everything. No child asking for everything. It was wonderful to have a little time to myself.  I even got myself a little something nice.  So yummy smelling. It's heavenly. If you find any, but them and send them my way!  Once I got home, I found a huge package on my porch. It's art from my best friend. :)  And now it's time for dinner. Tonight I made stuffed cheesy shells using a recipe I pinned on Pinterest a long time ago.  Today has been one of my better days. 

Last night, someone on my Facebook newsfeed posted some big news.  This news is a cause for celebration and excitement, but it saddened me that the post started out something like, "well family and friends, we are expecting a baby and if you don't like that, unfriend us." Granted this wasn't verbatim, but you get the picture. Yes, I understand the viewpoint of saving your virginity for the person you are going to marry and spend the rest of your life with. I respect that and I want my children to do that. I'm going to teach my children that sex is a very special act and it shouldn't be done with just anyone because you want to, but it should be saved for the person who is most special to you. Will they listen? Who knows?  Anyway, back to what I was trying to say. I feel in these situations that it is completely unfair to sit back and judge someone for what you deem a mistake in their lives. Follow me here and let this next sentence blow your mind. Mistakes hap

Wow, so the month is almost half over already.  Apologies for no picture yesterday. Danny and I are going through CAMS. That's Calling And Ministry Studies. Danny wants to become a minister and this is the first step. Yesterday was a looooong  day.   I drew this little Ducky while in class. Danny thinks I should get it tattooed. Time will tell.  Today was kind of long too, but thankfully I was able to take a nap.  While we were at evening service, sammy was asked to be an offering usher. He really liked doing it. :) anyway, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is another long day with a planned trip to have my dependent id updated. Hopefully I won't have to wait a long time!

Sammy just woke up. He looks at me and says "you know how when grandpa wakes up and he feels damaged? I feel damaged. I'm cranky like a grandpa."

Today, sammy got a surprise from Gram! Popcorn, peanuts, pretzels and candies! 

Okay, I'm gonna lay in down for ya. I'm a crafter. I love being creative and making things. I will try any type of craft at least once. I love making artsy messes (but I can't stand for my house to be dirty. Go figure!) I'm not sure how many of you have tried to make things. Sometimes you have things that have directions to follow and some things are more free will, like painting. Sewing is definitely one of those things that you HAVE to follow directions. I've had my share of mistakes because I didn't follow directions. You really should have seen the first thing I ever created on a sewing machine. All the talent that I have certainly didn't translate into that dress. It was a size too big in the bust area. My stitches were all kinds of crazy. The hem was so uneven. Thankfully I used a fabric that I found for $2/yard and not the pretty, expensive fabric I bought. (When in doubt, always buy cheaper fabric to practice new techniques!) Anyway, last night I was

This morning my heart is a little extra heavy. It started when sammy fully woke up, not the still sleepy kinda don't know what you're doing stage. He hugged my Liam bear and started crying. He said he misses Liam. I told him I did too. I let him take his Liam bear and a picture of the four of us with him in his backpack today.   We have yet to receive Liam's remains or the cd of photos the nurse took for us.  If you don't know me really well, you won't know that I like things to be orderly when it comes to things that need  to be taken care of. It's a control issue I have. If you say something will be here by x time, don't make me wait. When I have to get groceries, I like to do it as soon as I can after getting paid so I know it's finished. I like to be early for appointments when possible, so I will leave the house well before I have to and wait longer if I have to. I'm not one that likes to cut things close if I can help it. I suppose you could sa

This post was originally typed on 11/18/2014. It just didn't get published. This is Liam's bear. A friend's aunt made it using one of the two blankets Liam was given at New Hanover.  It's been a while since I posted anything and I apologize. Well I'm no sorry really. Life has been incredibly hard.  I'd rather not go into details because it's not important to you. Well important may not be the right word. It's not pertinent to you. All I know is the bible says in psalms  that even family or people you are super familiar with can used to try and bring you down, to discourage you. 

Early morning silliness

I'm not going to apologize for this post.  Today marks two months since Liam passed away. It's still hard every day to wake up knowing that I don't get to hold my baby. I see success stories of other babies born at 23 weeks and I wonder if we made the right choice. Then I remember how uneasy Liam looked lying there in his little glass cage. Then I remember how his nurse, Andrea, said he looked so at peace snuggled up to me. I wanted peace for him and to know one hundred percent without a doubt that we loved him, even if it meant letting him go. It's hard to know that if I were still pregnant, I'd be rapidly approaching my due date. It's hard to think that if Liam were still alive, he'd be approaching the possible "come home" date. It's hard to see baby posts so I'm just gonna tell you, I've hidden almost all of them.  I want to scream and yell that it's not fair that all the other moms get their babies and I don't get mine, pree

Silly faces are the best.

Legend says that when you take your pants off without taking your socks off, a pizza will land on your head. 

I love that this boy still likes to cuddle with his mama enough to come crawl in her bed at six am. :)  happy Monday. It's time to put noses to grindstones and get back into the post holiday work/school routines.  Was that a collective groan I just heard? Haha!  Anyway, got loads planned for today. Here's hoping I can stick with it. So far I've been good about all my resolutions except walking daily.  I fly everywhere instead. Just kidding. I do walk every day, but not the get out of the house for exercise walking like I want to. At least not yet. First of all I don't really have the accountability that I need for something like this, and secondly when I really think of all the bad things that happen to people in the world, I don't want to go walking by myself! 

I'm probably going to be posting a lot of pictures of sammy. He's so photogenic and such a ham. The blurriness of the photo is my fault! I was trying to be quick about sneaking this picture. :) 

This speaks for itself.  I don't know if you've heard of six word memoirs. It's something I've seen casually on the Internet. Tonight on tumblr, I saw this six word memoir. I can relate even if we didn't buy a coffin and physically bury Liam.  I encourage you to go research six word memoirs of you haven't yet. They are very moving.

Today's photo is a two for one. :) enjoy! Playing the flute on a tent stick. He's a robot with guns.

I have once again resolved to take a photo a day for the entire year. I don't have a fancy pants expensive camera so apologies if some of my photos have horrible quality. I'm not doing the photos to practice my photographing skills or anything. I want to document my life in the simple ways. So here are my photos for yesterday and today.  This photo is of some fabric I intend to make a dress from. It's not working out so well so far. The fabric is very directional and is too small in the direction I need it cut.  This is my second photo. I decided to write down my goals for this year so I can have a little m ore accountability for what I want to accomplish in bettering myself this year. I might be trying to over achieve here, but I want to make sure I take time for myself this year, even in the small ways like a bubble bath every week.