One Day at A Time

I had started this post about half an hour ago. Had it all typed up and ready to hit publish when the Lord brought this old song my mom used to sing to me all the time back into my mind. I had to change the title of this post and everything. It's called One Day At A Time, Sweet Jesus. The song is not mine but I feel like I need to share the lyrics here to not only remind me that we aren't promised ten second from now, much less the whole day and sometimes we don't even feel we have the physical, mental or emotional strength for just that day but if we call on the name of Jesus, he will supply us with what we need exactly when we need it. So here they are followed by my post as it was typed up originally.

I'm only human, I'm just a woman
Help me believe in what I could be and all that I am
Show me the stairway I have to climb
Lord, for my sake teach me to take one day at a time

One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from You
Just give me the strength to do everyday
What I have to do

Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Lord, help me today, show me the way
One day at a time

Do you remember when You walked among men?
Well Jesus, You know, if You're looking below, it's worse now than then
Cheating an stealing, violence and crime
So for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time

One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from You
Just give me the strength to do everyday
What I have to do

Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Lord, help me today, show me the way
One day at a time

I have gotten a decent night of sleep. Physically I feel fine from just having had a baby. When I had Sammy, I was sore for days upon days and walking anywhere took me twice as long for the first week or so. Aside from being tender in the spots that I had shots or ivs, I feel great.

Emotionally, it has all suddenly hit me just HOW BIG this journey is going to be. We live an hour's drive or more to the hospital Liam is being treated at and while I will start this post on a positive note, it still has all just truly hit me. 

We slept through the night without any calls from the Nicu unit. No news is good news and all. I am still trusting this amazing little boy in God's hands. He is the best comfort my little boy can have at this time. 

But you see, here is the catch, many of you already know we have an older son. Sammy. Almost five, full of spunk and energy. He has the most compassionate heart I have ever seen and will always try to make you laugh at his silliness. I feel so torn. I told danny about a month back that I didn't want Sammy to feel like he's unloved by us anymore or being replaced by his brother because I was naturally going to be busy taking care of a newborn and probably resting a lot. That was when I saw our future as one of being at home where I still picked him

Up and dropped him off at school. Now I'm conflicted, so conflicted. I need to be here for Sammy because let's face it an almost five year old is going to start to miss his mommy something awful after a few days, but I also need to be an hour away in a hospital with Liam. 

This is the part of being in the military that stinks so horribly. People move so much and you are often away from family and friends you've known your whole life. People who you love and trust with your life itself. Now I'm not saying I haven't made friends like that in the five years we've been up here, because I have. What I am saying is while I have a great support system here, really honestly, each and every military family who is away from their blood family probably feels a little like I am right now. You don't want to overburden your here and now support system. You don't want to constantly ask the people you are gathering like a second family to do and do and do for you without feeling somewhat guilty about asking for so much and not being able to give back. The people you grew up with, your parents, your best friends, you don't feel that guilt because you have been with them forever and already have had that guilt free bond of "I got your back cause you got mine." 

Oh this post is starting to sound like a jumbled mess. What I guess I'm trying to say is I trust God completely in this situation, without a shadow of a doubt. I know He has the perfect plan for our family of four. But I'm human and us stupid humans sometimes get our panties and emotions in a bunch about not being in control of things. Especially women. Right now I'm struggling with being torn between being there for the needs of my two sons who are both at critically different stages of their lives. I know danny won't be able to stay off work for the next however long it takes for Liam to get big and healthy enough to come home and I'm not even certain that his schedule will be flexible enough that he can pick up Sammy on afternoon that I go spend time with Liam. I know that I won't be able to spend every day with Liam because it's going to get expensive driving back and forth so much. I know I don't want to pull Sammy out of school because he enjoys it so much. I know Danny's parents won't be able to stay forever to help us out.