One Day Closer To You

I intially wrote this to be a Facebook status, but it got too long. I decided it should be a blog post instead. I haven't blogged in a long while.  Okay, so I haven't posted for a few days about pregnancy and infant loss awareness because it's very difficult this month, so I'm gonna speak to you from the heart. When I was pregnant a year ago with Liam, I was ecstatic. We had been trying for over a year and I had just given up hope of being pregnant again without fertility drugs. It had been so easy to get pregnant with sammy. We didn't really try. I knew nothing of the "prime time" to get pregnant in a cycle. I didn't know all the things you shouldn't eat or do.  With Liam, I charted. I took my temperature daily. I kept notes. I got mad when things came up during that "prime time" in the cycle and we weren't able to baby dance. (Sorry Danny, for getting mad about that.) And then, right when I told Danny that I wanted to make a doct...

This is what 23 weeks of pregnancy and 23 days in the nicu looks like.  We received Liam's remains and his clothes today. I am a wreck all over again just when I was feeling like I could cope. His blanket has a blood stain. His remains are about the size of a half dollar.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever.

I'm going to be real with you for a moment. Having Liam shifted my perspective immensely. I try to no longer fuss about small stuff. Yes, from time to time, I fail on that because of my mood, but I try to keep my perspective. Having a preemie is not easy. It has, like everything else in life, pros and cons. Our son was tiny, but a miracle. We loved him, but it was stressful to love him. I say stressful because when you think of babies, you think about holding them to show that love. With a preemie, it could be days before you get to hold your baby. Or in some cases, weeks and months. You get my drift. It was agony not being able to be with either of my sons, one separated from us by miles and one separated from us by meres slivers of plexiglass.  Anyway, one of the cons of having a preemie baby is the money. It's much more expensive to take care of a baby who born before a gestation age that they can thrive without tubes and wires, medicines and intervention. I know, I...

So we live ten minutes from a beach. Which is both a blessing and a curse. It's on base, so usually there is less crowding if you go at the right time.  But as my title states, any day can be beach day. It was a bit sunny and kinda warm today if you count temps in the 50s as warm. (I'm looking at you Florida.) So I checked sammy out of school a tiny bit early and we went to the beach for some mental health. Those are my favorite trips.  We didn't stay long but we had fun and found a few Sharks' teeth. 

It's been a while since I blogged. I was doing so good too!  Anyway, recap of my life. Sammy stayed home from school last Friday with a sore throat. Still sick on Saturday and Sunday. Got to make a dress Sunday night. (Yay for accomplishing some of my new year's goals!) No school for the holiday Monday. Made pajamas for sammy Monday night. Field trip on Tuesday. Barnes & Noble! Wooooooo Church on Wednesday and now it's Thursday.  And thus another week was spent.  Now onto what I really want to say here. It's now much closer to what would have been Baby Day/Homegoing from Nicu. And it is emotionally exhausting to think about. I'm truly happy for the friends who were pregnant at the same time as me, but I am so sad for us.  I miss my baby. It's hard to look at pictures of him, so I don't. It's hard to think about not having him, so I focus my mental energies elsewhere, which is probably why you will see a lot of new things made this year. It's hard...

Surprise from gram Being silly Sunday offering Nice braid.  Me likes  Older dresses. A comparison of style.

Today was honestly one of my better days in the aftermath that is loss and grief. You may get tired of me repeating how I feel or about my loss, but something as big as that is a defining moment in one's life and it can't be put away as easily as one may think.  Yes I have great days where I'm ultimately happy and I have not so great days where I'm unmotivated to do much of anything. On these days, I rest a lot. I stay home. I don't socialize with copious amounts of people, only those absolutely necessary or ones that I want to talk with.  Like I said, today was one of the better days. Danny had duty yesterday so sammy and I got to snuggle in bed all night long and we both woke up well rested and refreshed this morning. Sammy went to school and I had a day date with my friend Amanda.  We took off to hancock fabrics because naturally if I'm making a dress every month, I'm going to make holiday specifics ones sometimes. I've been yearning to make a Valenti...