23 days.

I had one of the most handsome sons in my life for 23 days. 

I miss him. That is the biggest understatement of the century. 

My body aches for him. My arms feel empty. My heart is broken. 

But with God, I can overcome anything. It may take time. Lots of it. I know it will take time to work through these emotions. 

It's hard to type this because I feel so many mixed emotions. I'm glad Liam is home with Jesus, in no more pain. 

I'm selfish and want him back here. 

I'm confused as to why I had him early. Mad that my body couldn't just hold on to him in there longer. 

Jealous of those who are still pregnant. 

Guilty that I feel jealous. 

I'm wondering if we made the right decision or if we let go too soon. 

I'm unsure if all these feelings betray my faith in God's plan for our life. 

 

I want to hold him more. Kiss his soft hairy, tiny head. Feel his little fingers grip mine, because when I finally got to hold him today, he just wouldn't let go of my finger. 

I feel peace because I know he is safe and I won't have to wait for that next "bad day." I won't be anxious any time the phone rings. I won't worry over not being with him when I'm home with Sammy. Or worry about not being with Sammy when I'm with Liam. 

Hurt, because I will never have my two boys together until I get to heaven. Hurt for all the days that we don't have. All the hunting or fishing trips "the boys" would go on with dad. Or all the nightly snuggles with mommy. 

When I see anyone facing something difficult now and posting about it on Facebook, I feel this need to remind you how blessed you are. I'm not reminding you to make you feel guilty or to upset you. 

I don't care if you're complaining about being pregnant or if McDonald's messed up your order. YOU ARE BLESSED. God knows all your problems and has them in His hands. Take a minute to remember who has you in the palm of His hand. Take a minute to remember you have things in your life that some people are dying to have in theirs. Take a minute to praise His name for what you do have. Take a minute to encourage or help someone else out. Don't focus on your negatives. Don't play the "my life is worse " game because someone else almost certainly has you beaten by human standards. Take a minute to reflect on people written about in the bible who had to step out in faith, surrendering all control to God. Job, Abraham, Mary. So many others. Be encouraged and uplifted in knowing that God has you where He needs you in order for you to grow and flourish. 

The word says that the sparrows don't worry about their next meal. The lilies don't worry about the coverings they need. We shouldn't worry about those things either.