What are YOUR motives?

I can't sleep. Truth is I haven't been able to sleep for the past few weeks and when I have, it hasn't been very well. I've had a lot of things on my mind and my heart. Things I have no control over, stressing me out. It's been busy in my life since April. 

Danny started school to become an instructor at the School of Infantry East. It was a long nine week course. There were long days and longer nights. He had lots of homework and grueling physical training. And right smack in the middle of it, (well more towards the end) I went to Florida to house-sit for my parents while they went on a cruise. Once I got back, it was one thing after another. It seems never ending. 

Recently, there have been issues from my past trying to resurface in my life. Things I don't want in my life anymore. (This is so hard to sit here and type.) I'm trying and trying so hard to make things work the way I WANT them to. There have been miscommunications and arguments. I've faced things at an early age that no person should have to face. I've seen infidelity, addiction, alcoholism, gambling. I've lived through loss of trust, loss of siblings, loss of friends. I'm a fighter. I'm not giving up. But, am I doing things with the right motives in my heart? Am I fighting these battles for myself out of necessity for my life and my family or because I'm human and prone to selfishness?

While I was at church today, our pastor was preaching on love. What is love?

 It got me thinking and I started flipping through my bible. I ended up in James chapter 4. It reads: "1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

I know that scripture has nothing to do directly with love, but it does. I mean look at it this way, in a marriage at the very beginning you're in the honeymoon stage. So over the moon with each other, can't spend too much time together. You're so happy! Then you start to settle in. You see the bad habits your spouse has, and you've probably had a baby or two. Things are starting to get unexciting. You don't have anything to talk about. Maybe you start to fight over small things. Neither of you are getting your complete way of doing things. From my personal experience, I can't tell you how many times I've been upset because I've asked for a little help with some household chore and have gotten the line "I'll do it in a little while" and it never gets done.

Wow, this blog isn't flowing as eloquently as I would like. I feel like it's going in circles and ending up a jumbled mess, but I'm going to keep typing. I have to get this off my chest. I'm trying to be selfless, to put my husband and son's needs above my own. I'm trying, daily, to consider what they need from me and I'm praying to God for the strength to be the best example of a God fearing mother and wife I can for my son. His soul, and my husband's for that matter, are really important to me. I want my husband to look at me with love and desire in his heart every day God allows us together. I want my son to see how a marriage is supposed to be, not the stuff you see in Hollywood where everyone divorces after a few years.  I want to be better, but am I doing it with the right motives in my heart and mind? Am I putting their needs before my own so that I feel better about myself in the end or am I doing it so they can see and feel the love I have for them? 

I'm not trying to air my dirty laundry, pull you into my life or gossip about my marriage when I say this, so bear with me. A situation arose recently that ended up making me feel pretty crummy. I was up for most of the night (crying my eyes out) after it happened wondering if I was good enough, if my husband still thought I was pretty despite the physical changes having Sammy has done to my body. I felt unimportant and unworthy. Then I decided that it was my marriage, ordained by God and no one, not even the devil himself, could tell me it wasn't worth fighting for. A few days later, something else happened, a miscommunication, that made those feelings resurface. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I desire God's will, crave it for my life. I want to leave you with another verse that spoke to me. Psalm 51:10-12, 17 

"10Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise."